eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I intend to get homeless drunk
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
