went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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