dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
