dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
