After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
