I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
