RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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