I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
