a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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