Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
