Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
