I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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