I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
