I'm lost and stupid without you.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
