Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
