Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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