I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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