barbara walters just said penis...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
