Screwed.edu
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
