Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
