i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
