I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
