I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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