my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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