I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
