New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
