I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
