I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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