I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
