Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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