Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
