Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
