I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
