So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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