I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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