did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
