It's Friday. Sex?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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