An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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