I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
