I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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