oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
