I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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