Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
