You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
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If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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