Your mouth is God's brothel.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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