The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
