I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
