didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
