Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
