Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
