I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
