you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
