Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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