By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
