my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
