So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
